Friday, December 30, 2005

Jacket of Shame


Fred's Jacket 3
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
This is the reason Fred will one day nip my carotid open. I'm quite sure he's capable, with a little training. Let's hope he remembers the tummy rubs and Greenies and not this atrocity.

Fred's figured out that when we start torturing him, by which I mean giving medicine, grooming or dressing him up, he's about to get a treat. Smart little monster. He and the rest of us here say Happy New Year to you all.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Whom Do You Resemble?

Play around with this facial recognition thingy, it's kind of interesting. Upload a pic and see which famous person most shares your facial features, or someone else's, with a percentage of alikeness. Two different pictures of my wife came up 64% Mariah Carey and 72% Julia Roberts, whereas two of my pics came up 53% John Cusack and, disturbingly, 65% Mariah Carey. I'm pretty sure my wife will be glad I look more like Mariah Carey than she does.

From the lovely and talented Perez Hilton.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Moratorium on Baby Pictures

Merry Christmas peoples. We're having an outbreak of infant acne that is best described as enthusiastic, and have decided not to record the shame of it all for a couple of days. I'm pretty sure it's something I did and have stopped kissing Sabrina on the face in case that turns out to be true.

Wifey got in the shower holding Sabrina earlier today and she seemed to love it, allowing us to bathe her far more effectively than we have otherwise in a baby bathtub. D didn't allow direct spray on anything but her feet and lower legs, and squeezed a washcloth over her to rinse. A pleasant baby encounter all around until she pooped a little in her towel. Which is why we had two, so we could pop her right back into the shower and not have to go get a new towel.

Sabrina's Christmas plans: eat, sleep, excrete, charm parents. All achieved in excess.

Christmas Spirit

I guess we're not so bad after all. Take that, world.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Daddy's Girl


Sabrina and Daddy
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Sabrina's getting stronger and more active every day, able to hold her head up for long periods of time and even to crawl a little bit. I laid her on her belly yesterday and she struggled and strove for a a couple of minutes, kicking and clawing until she had moved a whole two inches. It reminded me of those nature shows where the larval kangaroo crawls up the mommy's belly to the pouch. Beautiful but kind of heartbreaking.

She's also gotten pretty good at sneaking bodily fluids past the borders of her diaper, which invariably soak through her outfit and blanket, and whatever my wife is wearing. I don't get as much baby contact as she does, but also I think Sabrina has made a decision not to soil me if at all possible. What a little sweetheart.

Not that it would bother me terribly. Everyone told me that while any other child's excretions are crimes against decency and happiness, your own child's diaper contents are somehow magically inoffensive. They were right.

One Uncle Mikey reader, Dicky Bird from Denver, has expressed his opinion that this blog is fast becoming an unreadable embarrassment of sappy emotionalism. That is true. I am singularly unashamed of my feelings for Sabrina, and expect to be ridiculed for it. Do your worst, my daughter just smiled at me. I'm bulletproof.

And now it's doubly ridiculous, because I turn into a mushball around Christmas anyways. I have never stopped loving Christmas like I did when I was a little kid. I can't wait for Sabrina to have her first, and second, and 20th. It's going to be frickin' awesome.

Did I mention Dicky Bird is a dirty shim?

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I've Got Your Solution Right Here, Buddy

Varifrank links to this MSNBC story about New Yorkers telecommuting because they had no choice, and asks this excellent question about the inevitable telecommuting revolution:

What will hordes of clock watching middle managers do if they can't actually see the people doing the work they take credit for?


Most of the computer industry people I know actually drive to work, some over long distances. Why? And why pay rent/insurance/other bills on a large office if you don't have to? Why ask your employees to spend a major portion of their days getting ready for and travelling to and from work? Lost productivity, if you ask me. If you came into work one day and they handed you a laptop and said, "Go home and don't come back. Ever. And since you'll save 1.5-2 hours every day not showering, getting dressed and driving to and from work, you're going to work an 8.5-hour day for the same pay as an 8-hour day and like it," you'd be inclined to go along with it, wouldn't you?

UPDATE: The origins of Varifrank's essay are here:

Ask any manager this- Why it is they "need to be able to see you" to be able to tell if you are working, but they think nothing at all about outsourcing the same workload to people they dont even know on the other side of the planet?

hmmmmmm...

A note to those who wish to get their managers to consider allowing you to "work at home", try calling it something else, such as "homesourcing".

Oh, and I will once and for all demolish this " boo-hoo woe is me" crap about 'working from home'. Frankly kids, you never ever will have it as good as the first day you start 'working from home'. That goes for both you and your company, its a total "win-win". It just takes some getting used to, but so does sitting in a car in heavy traffic 4 hours a day.

I Don't Know Why

I find this so funny. But I do.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Oh the Excitement


Three Sleeping Beauties
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
So far Sabrina's doing a lot more of this than anything else. She takes the longest naps, sometimes 3.5 hours and more, and does a couple of those at night on a good night. It's kind of nice although we prefer to wake her up more frequently during the day. Oliver gets at least 18 hours a day, most of them snuggled up against Mommy when he can. Strangely he's taken to sleeping at the foot of the bed at night sometimes, a new thing entirely. Fred's still in an out of under the covers all night, which would be a real pain if we hadn't gotten used to it years ago.

We agreed before the baby came we wouldn't have her sleep in the bed, mostly worried that Oliver would step on her inadvertently. He's been decent about not stomping her, and we patrol her airspace like an Aegis system, but it's still probably a bad idea. It's much easier for my wife, who can switch her from side to side and feed Sabrina lying down so they can both pass out from the hormones and not have to rearrange. She's not a roller so we're not really worried about her rolling onto the baby, and I can sleep in a tree and not fall out so I'm pretty confident I wouldn't either, but I suppose we've got to find another solution because we just couldn't forgive ourselves if anything happened to her. Maybe a cosleeper.

Egad


Egad
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
This is the look Sabrina gets that I can't quite define. Kind of taken aback, kind of horrified, a little worried, but most likely trying to fill her diaper. I used to classify all strange looks as trying-to-dump looks, but then the other day she did the prototypical half-face scrunch while she unleashed a huge load into her Huggies 1 year old (she's too big for newborn diapers) and I realized that some things you don't have to be taught, you just know how to do them. Like make the face that means you're pooping.

Burrito Baby


Sassy Burrito
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
The nurses at the hospital where Sabrina was born encourage swaddling/burrito wrapping to calm babies down when they're fussy. This does indeed seem to work at times, but usually she's fussy about a particular thing, like a dirty diaper or hunger, or needing to burp. So we haven't been wrapping her very much since we left the hospital.

Then the other day she was inconsolable and mommy needed a break and a shower. So I wrapped her little body up in one of the blankets I hijacked from the hospital (large, square and with pointy corners instead of the rounded ones we seem to have ended up with) and she calmed right down. What a little angel, so easy to manage and help when she needs something.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Kind of Thing You'd Like to See on the News

Interesting graph comparing civilian casualties in different conflicts here courtesy of Ann Althouse. Note the difference between civilian casualties since the coalition got to Iraq versus those of a similar period under Saddam.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Then Again


Cute Fred
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Fred refuses to surrender the Cute-a-thon to the nameless animal I posted earlier. If you were in the same room with him, he'd roll over, bark and do that scratching the air with both paws together thing cute dogs do when they want to play. Then you'd be powerless against his cute ray.

The Champ


I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
As cute as my wife, baby and dogs are, I don't think they can beat this dog (assuming it is a real dog and not some photoshopped thingy) for cuteness. From Cute Overload.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

And They're Off

The one-upsmanship, or -dogship, or maybe -babyship, around here is getting pretty wild. Oliver has long been the cutest thing around here that's not my wife, and now the baby has taken over the top spot. Oliver is understandably miffed and is pulling out all the stops. We were worried about him being nasty to Sabrina (or pretending not to notice her and sitting or standing on her) but frankly he seems to have decided that she and Deirdre are to be protected from me, so I get growled at a lot these days.

Fred is still reluctant to get close to Sabrina for very long, but D caught him licking her toes under the covers the other night. Lucky Sabrina, she's got a whole family around her and we all love her desperately.

The Greatest Love of All

George Benson and Whitney Houston are wrong: the greatest love is not love of self, but love of one's fellow man and woman. The brave men and women of our armed forces are the world's greatest lovers in that they have sacrificed so much to make the people of a country on the other side of the world free. I am deeply ashamed of the way the US and international press have taken up rhetorical arms against the people of Iraq, and I look forward to the day our national understanding of Iraq is more in line with that of this man:

Anyone who has spent even a day in the Middle East should know that the Arab street would not thank us for abandoning Iraq. The blame for civil war would fall squarely on our shoulders. It is unlikely that the tentative experiments in democracy we have seen in Lebanon, Egypt, Jordan and elsewhere would survive the fallout. There would be no dividend of goodwill from heartbroken intellectuals or emboldened Islamic extremists. American troops might be home in the short run, but the experienced professionals know that in the long run, quitting Iraq would mean more deployments, more desperate battles and more death.

Sixty-four percent of us know that we have a good shot at preventing this outcome if we are allowed to continue our mission. We quietly hope that common sense will return to the dialogue on Iraq. Although we hate leaving our families behind, many of us would rather go back to Iraq a hundred times than abandon the Iraqi people.

A fellow Marine and close friend epitomizes this sentiment. Sean has served two tours in Iraq as a reserve officer. During his last tour, he was informed of the birth of his baby girl by e-mail, learned his father was dying of cancer, and was wounded in the same blast of an improvised explosive that killed his first sergeant on a dirt road in the middle of the western desert. Sean loves his family and his job, but he has made it clear that he would rather go back to Iraq than see us withdraw.[emphasis mine]


There's nothing more despicable than wishing for defeat in Iraq for no other reason than to discredit the president, but that's exactly what Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy and a host of others do every day.

Close Up Baby


Tight Shot
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Sabrina is so amazing. She doesn't mind that I'm not very good at securing the diaper and am responsible for a number of messy accidents. I swear I'm not being incompetent in hopes of being excluded from diaper duty, I just don't like to strap them down so tight it seems like it must hurt. I guess you have to do that just to keep them on securely, but I'd rather clean up a mess than hurt my little girl. She's remarkably calm during every other diaper change, and seems to enjoy a song while being poked and prodded. Fortunately I'm a veritable karaoke machine of popular music and spend most of my time with her singing or rapping something, which often has a hypnotizing effect. I spent about 10 minutes doing the long version of Herbie Hancock's "Rockit" the other day and she had a look of utter amazement on her face the whole time.

God I love her so much. I'm not nearly as liable to burst into tears as I was a week ago, but I'm constantly overwhelmed by my feelings for her and have zero shame about my conversion to sappy proud parenthood. It's pretty amazing to be so blessed and I'm very grateful for the experience. Thank you Sabrina, you've made me the happiest man in the world.

And I know every parent feels this way, but look at her. She's not just beautiful, she's gorgeous. Movie-star sassy. If I posted her pic on Hotornot.com her score would be a perfect 10. I hope being so beautiful isn't too hard on her later, it can be a burden as my wife well knows.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I'll Take Two, Please

This is an extremely thoughtful Christmas gift. From Double Viking.

I Concur

They really should. Fingers crossed for 2006.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Sabrina's Future, if She's Lucky


Setting a fine example
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
These lovely little angels are Hannah and Margaret T., former neighbors and the flower girls at my wedding. Their father David was probably wondering how he ended up holding yet another screeching infant, and I was probably praying that some of his baby mojo would osmosis over into Sabrina and help her grow up right.

Hannah and Margaret are exactly what I wish Sabrina could be when she's their age: sweet, kind, calm, and rarely if ever attached to a particular object or activity to a level that makes for fussing and discontent. Hell, I'd settle for being personally that way, much less my daughter. So I hope she gets a lot of time to hang with these lovely little ladies and have some of their cool rub off.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Mike's New Favorite Activity


Daddy's Girl
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Watching Sabrina sleep on my chest. I can't describe how it feels to have a little person Deirdre and I created laying on top of me drawing tiny breaths and snuggling closer against me every couple of minutes. I can only imagine what it feels like to her, but there's something amazing about being used as a sleeping surface by my little girl. I could do it forever and never get bored.

On some level I enjoy knowing she's so relaxed, so peaceful and utterly safe in my arms. You can only be so supportive to an adult, but with a little baby you're providing an entire world of warmth and happiness.

Fred's ready, as always, in case it turns out the baby is full of candy or other tasty ingredients. He's been very sweet and tries to lick Sabrina's little hand when she's crying. Ollie too, they've both been fantastic. I guess we won't have to abandon them at a truck stop now. Yippee!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Baby Stuff

Impressions on babies, or rather baby clothing and accessories:

1. I can't get excited about much of anything outfit-wise other than the bag with arms and a neckhole. Diaper access is a lot easier than with garments with legs, and Rob O. from Charlotte (a high school buddy from Columbia, S.C.) suggests this for sleeping. I concur.

2. Some baby blankets are made of the softest, cushiest materials ever invented. We have a couple that my wife and I love and I'd kind of like a garment made out of one or more of them. The dogs worship them too, probably more interested in the blankets than the baby at this point.

3. Baby socks, and at this age shoes, are ridiculous. I denounce and rebuke them.

4. Diaper Genie, heated wipes, changing table, etc: all genius and much appreciated. Especially the Genie. I have been utterly horrified with the willingness of some parents to leave dirty diapers in bathroom trash bins without some kind of protective covering, like a sealed ziploc or plastic shopping bag. I suppose that after a couple of thousand diaper changes I won't give a damn either. But until then, me and the Diaper Genie are going to be inseparable.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

How to Tell if Someone's an Idiot

If they compare Iraq to Vietnam to make an argument for the removal of US forces from Iraq. Varifrank makes the case effectively here:

As a result of the Democratic Party dominated US Congress abandoning the government of South Vietnam and its monetary requirements for self-defense, the free people of South Vietnam were subjugated under the tyrannical genocidal rule of an invading Communist regime. As a result, many millions of people in Cambodia, Laos, and especially Vietnam became refugees. Refugee camps opened throughout the South Pacific, and were populated in the hundreds of thousands by those who had survived the journey. Before a person could make it the refugee camp, they had to endure survival at sea and predatory pirates, who raped and killed hundred of thousands of people who were fleeing from the Communist Vietnamese regime. It has been estimated that for every person who arrived, 3 were killed in the effort. In nieghboring Cambodia, the genocidal Khmer Rouge regime, (once part of the Communist Party of Vietnam) murdered 6 millions of people in the wholesale destruction of ctities and towns at a level and procifiency not seen since Nazi Germany. In Vietnam, the new communist government sent many people who did not flee and supported the old government in the South to "re-education camps", and others to "new economic zones" or what we would refer to as concentration and forced labor camps . The genocidal and fratracidal warfare waged by the Communist government of Vietnam resulted in millions of Vietnamese who risked and often lost everything in order to leave, but the process was not limited to just the former US allies in South Vietnam. In 1979, Vietnam was at war with the People's Republic of China. During this war, ethnic Chinese living in Vietnam became scapegoats to the government of Vietnam and were directly targeted by the regime. As a result, thousands of Chinese became refugees using the same routes of departure previously used by the Vietnamese themselves.

Millions of people were butchered in this genocide; millions more flee as refugees, millions incarcerated in forced labor camps. All this; because of the selfish actions of the US Congress of 1975. And yet, Howard [Dean] and the Democrats want to use this as a moment of pride.


Any former war protester with an ounce of intellectual honesty should be deeply ashamed of what they helped bring about for the people of Southeast Asia. Many of my favorite writers/bloggers/media people are those former lefties who learned a big lesson from what happened in Vietnam after we pulled out, a lesson about the nature of radicalism and liberalism. It changed them forever, and those it did not have much to explain.

Varifrank goes on:

What’s different about Iraq from Vietnam? Well for one thing, there’s no refugee crisis in Iraq. In fact, both Afghanistan and Iraq are unique in world history for being wars that didn’t create a refugee crisis, but solved them! Yes that’s right, 3 million Afghanis migrated back to Afghanistan from Pakistani refugee camps after Kabul fell to coalition troops. Marsh Arabs in Iraq who were effectively scourged from the land in southern Iraq have been returning to their newly liberated homes from camps and settlements throughout the middle east. Iraqi Kurdistan has become the fastest growing economy of the middle east, largely due to the influx of people formerly on the run from the Saddam regime.

What is it that the people on the ground know that Howard and the Democrats don’t know or won’t acknowledge?

What’s different about Iraq from Vietnam? There’s also no genocide, or civil war. Yes, there isn’t a complete peace just yet, but there wasn’t any peace in Iraq before we got there either.

Why do Democrats make such a fetish of Vietnam? Is abandoning a country and its people to genocide and enslavement really something to be proud of?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The Boss


Sabrina Loupret Bolduc 2
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Last night little Sabrina lay face down on my chest for 15 minutes, doing pushups and making faces. I had assumed a huge sappy grin and she looked at me, kind of jerked and blinked, and burst into a huge baby grin, the first one I've seen her make. Then she did it again after a short blank look, and bounced up and down. It absolutely melted my heart, the best present anyone's ever given me.

I know, she was probably taking a dump in her pants, but I don't even care. I'm a goofy, emotional, sentimental dad now, and proud of it (in the future I imagine that will be something I'll have to tone down in order to not embarrass her too tragically - to which I can only say I'll try). She is a blessing of the first order and the fabric of reality melted and refroze in a different pattern as soon as I saw her beautiful little face.

And in addition to the reassessment of every person, place and thing in the universe using criteria heretofore unknown, I'm basically her slave now and would rather die (and more importantly, kill) than see her unhappy. I hope to find some way to trick her into not knowing that before she asks for a car.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Sabrina the Wise and Lovely


Sabrina Loupret Bolduc 1
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Man am I a bad photographer. Fortunately others are better and at least one professional has already immortalized her, so I don't really have to be that good. But you get the idea: she's gorgeous. And her little voice is (from what we're told by a number of nurses) that of an older baby, not very high-pitched or screechy when she cries. She can also hold her head up pretty well, which surprised the hell out of me.

I knew mothers were liable to have a tsunami of maternal love batter their emotional coastlines after giving birth, but I had no idea how much I could love someone I just met. I know she'll break my heart a hundred times like I and every one of you did to our parents, but I can't believe that will ever change the fact that she's my whole world. And that world has changed forever, and me with it. I almost feel like an adult.

On the way home from the hospital yesterday, I looked at the cars around me and thought, "If any of these psychos drives like I did three days ago, something bad could happen to my baby Sabrina." And I realized what a butthole I've been, getting impatient with slow drivers even when they have kids on board. Ah the painful process that is learning not to be a butthole. So bittersweet.

The Two Most Important People in the World


Sabrina and Deirdre
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
My wife Deirdre is one amazing woman. I'm not just saying that because she's forbidden me to post pictures of her on this blog and would be even more pissy if she knew I was posting a pic of her after labor, I'm saying it because she gave birth to 9 lb. 10 oz., 22 inch long Sabrina after less than an hour of effort. What a badass. She is officially my hero forever.

And my gorgeous little girl Sabrina is such an angel. I burst into tears when I heard her first tiny cries and still choke up every time I think about her. This isn't her best pic (stay tuned for many, many more) but the star of this show has been my beautiful wife. She's made me the happiest man in the world. Too bad she'll never read this as she thinks blogging is both gay and retarded (she doesn't actually use those words, but I get her drift).

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I Did Not Know That

This seems like kind of a big story. I'm not much of a newshound these days, but I would have expected to hear about it. What's the point of not going national with this story? Other than not being able to blame Katrina on Bush.

The Blessing and Curse That is Nature

I'm very grateful for everyone who carries and uses their video cameras, because if not for them we'd never get footage of complete and utter madness like this (tornado sprouting in the middle of a soccer game) and this (guy saved from certain death by a tree).

Both from Gorilla Mask.

Oprah: Whaaat, is the deeeal, with her?

What's up with the vomity voice death metal thing you hear way too much of these days? Shay J. says this is the best vomity voice death metal song ever, and he should know. You're going to have to wait for a while to get to the vomity part, but it's pretty hilarious so crank it loud wherever you are (I'm talking to you, Cap'n Creamsicle).

There are literally hundreds of bands whose singers do this throat-shredding guttural growl, the adult version of "Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance." How did it start? Who was the pioneer of vomity voice? Did a lead singer in a death metal band say "Hey guys, I'm going to try something new, tell me what you think." And no one laughed?

One of the benefits of vomity voice is that you can't understand the lyrics at all, which prevents mom and dad from hearing the nauseatingly demonic things that perfect strangers are whispering in the ears of their children. I imagine there's a lot of death and gloom, and probably a fair amount of satanism. Shay says the language of such people should be called metalibonics.

Maybe there's a metal dictionary out there that's not about actual metals, but I can't find it.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Baby Time

I've been slacking on this blog forever, but it's about to get worse soon. Little baby Sabrina was due yesterday, and we're going to induce next week if she doesn't pop out of her own accord soon. Then I'll be doing a lot of baby-related stuff, kind of like I'm doing now but with dirty diapers. This blog will likely become baby-related to a nauseating degree, so get ready bitches.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

What You're Up Against if You Break In


Jaws of Death
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Look upon the horror that is Fred's savage bite and shiver in horror. Fred's all of 10 pounds, but I'm convinced he'd die trying to defend us if something awful happened here, whereas Oliver would hide and then beg to go home with our killers because they smelled like Cheetos.

He sure does have nice teeth, though. Oliver's had his teeth cleaned once already and he's a year younger, but Fred loves those rawhide sticks. Ollie can't be bothered with all that chewing for such a small payoff. No wonder his mouth smells like an open grave sometimes.

Champions Forever

Did you know there was a poll to determine what the greatest blog post ever to date is? The results can be found here. The winner is an obvious one, Little Green Football's throbbing memo of death, and second and third place are appropriately ranked as well although (or because) both are comedy. Second is the fantastic Whoreblogging by Ace of Spades, which contains this unbeatably kick-ass sentence: "This was more like a facefull of searing liquid holocaust."

I voted for number three (#3 in the rankings) because it's genius and I've posted it here before under the heading "Greatest Blog Post Ever," as did many other bloggers. Too bad DW disappeared not long after, but if you haven't seen it before, check out their archives.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Maybe the Most Awesome Thing Ever Made

And they're only 20K pounds plus tax. Buy one for the love of God.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

So You Don't Have To

Don't you love it when people test conventional wisdom? I've always wondered about this particular question, and some dude took the trouble to find out. Thanks, nameless dude!

Whoa

Isn't this sort of thing against the law, no matter how funny? And it is funny.

Here's another interesting post from Dave at Garfield Ridge. He's a good kid, that Dave. I don't find his sexual hunger for Powers Boothe at all frightening. This haiku, on the other hand, is terrifying.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wacky Song Generator

Go here and type in something you'd like to hear sung back at you by as many different popular music artists as the number of syllables you type. Kind of weird and amusing, especially if you type something dirty.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Love, Exciting and New

I've never felt this way about a woman. Thank God.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Now That's What I Call Art

If all Livio De Marchi did was carve perfect replica cars out of wood, like this Ferrari F50 he's driving in the canals of Venice, he'd be an amazing guy, a weirdo genius of the first order. But he makes perfect replica cars (and a perfect replica of a coach and four horses, among other wonders) that not only run but also take to the water like perfect amphibians. He also makes amazing wooden sculptures of non-automotive objects that are just as fascinating. Take a look.

There's Something You Don't See Every Day

This sentence, from a comment on a post over at Rogers Cadenhead's Workbench:

It was quite a jump from bestiality to the Packers.


Which led me to post this poll on my NFL pool message board:

In the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" sense, how many steps are there between bestiality and the Packers?


Zero. Packer fandom and bestiality are one and the same.

Three: Farm animals provide milk, milk is made into cheese, Packer fans eat, wear and have sex with the cheese. Not real bestiality but close enough

Four: Young, lonely midwestern kids learn to love the livestock, the livestock learn to live with the undignified and unsatisfying nature of human/animal sex, they produce certain enzymes that contribute to the particularly delightful flavor of Tillamook Cheddar, Packer fans eat said Tillamook and feel a certain attraction to the family dog

Six: Ray Nitschke was in "The Longest Yard" with Burt Reynolds; Reynolds starred in "Starting Over" with Kevin Bacon; Bacon was in "The River Wild" with Meryl Streep; Streep made an episode of "The Simpsons" with Harry Shearer; Shearer starred in "Spinal Tap" with Christopher Guest; and Guest was featured in "The Princess Bride" with that pigf#cker Chris Sarandon

The Unnatural Natural

I check out Double Viking for a couple of reasons: the desire to see people hurt themselves in videotaped accidents both intentional and unintentional and the desire to read about interesting new tech stuff. What I don't visit it for is long, fascinating feature articles about mysterious homeless men who happen to be really good at senior softball:

Like all but two of his teeth, Meeden's youth was long gone. His 64-year-old face showed the lines and leathering effects of age and hunger and hard times. Still, his eyes retained a gleam, just a glimmer, of boyishness. This became even truer as his teammates hollered their hellos. Meeden smiled and waved, and for a second he could've been that straggly kid who always shows up last for Little League.

I'd been warned that Meeden was shy. He won't talk to you, everyone said. But now he sat down next to me in the stands, so close that our knees nearly touched. I didn't know if he was being friendly or if he simply didn't see me. He began tugging an elastic brace onto his leg, fastening it around his thigh. Someone asked how the hamstring was feeling. Meeden had strained it during a recent game. He mumbled an inaudible answer while rubbing the hamstring and staring at some indistinct point in space.

I introduced myself and Meeden stopped fussing with his leg long enough to look at me. I told him I was hoping for a chance to speak with him later, privately, that I wanted to write a story about him.

His eyes widened.

Then he just giggled and trotted onto the field.


Well worth the time. Check it oot.

Tee Hee

Remember this? A reminder:

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- Hollywood star Johnny Depp said on Wednesday the United States was a stupid, aggressive puppy and he would not live there until the political climate changed.

The 40-year-old actor, who stars in the "Pirates of the Caribbean," told the German news magazine Stern he was happier staying in the south of France with his wife, the French actress and singer Vanessa Paradis, and their two children.

"America is dumb, it's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive," he said.

"My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out," said the star of the off-beat films "Edward Scissorhands" and "Dead Man."


I guess that's all over now:

Hollywood star JOHNNY DEPP is so shocked by the riots raging through France, he's considering abandoning his home in the country.

The FINDING NEVERLAND heart-throb moved to Europe when life in Los Angeles became too violent.

He has since divided time between the two continents - but he fears France will be scarred permanently by the current troubles.

He says, "It's insane, that setting cars on fire is the new strike.

"I went there (to France) to live because it seemed so simple.

"Now it's anything but. I don't know how they'll recover from this."


If only I were mature enough to not get a kick out of this. Where to now, Johnny? I hear Africa's fun.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

As Do All Right-Thinking People

God Hates Shrimp, as well he should:

Leviticus 11:9-12 says:
9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:


Plus they're underwater insects that eat all the poop the ocean can provide. Disgusting.

How Quickly We Forget

The tired, thoroughly debunked liberal fantasy that W lied us into war with Iraq is so dumb, so patently false and illogical, that only the truly brainwashed are still able to utter it with straight faces. That does not, of course, prevent the entire Democratic party from blathering on about it. I've long since tired of rebutting this inane bullsh*t, but here's a quick primer on the reality of the situation.

Link from Wizbang.

UPDATE: An excellent example of the concept here at the Political Teen. Good to know Tim Russert's not as hypnotized by the left as he often appears.

The Devil's Porkchop

Demonbaby doesn't post much, but when he does it's generally worth checking out. An old post of his, a Myspace stupid haircut hall of fame/Marvel character comparison, is especially good. Look ye and tremble.

My father used to say "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop," or "Devil's porkchop" when he was feeling sassy. When I see people with extravagantly stupid hair, I see what he means.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

You Sexy Thing


Marguerite Perrin
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Damn this woman is nutty. But she makes for a pretty good sample song. Dig them awesome '70s Radio Shack synth and rhythm sounds.

Song from this post at Stereogum.

Bastards

Fox cancelled Arrested Development, the best show on TV, last week. So sign this petition now in the forlorn hope it will change anything. Dammit.

A 20th Century Fox spokesman said: "There was a very loyal and passionate audience that unfortunately never did grow."

How do Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens get viewers and AD doesn't? It's a funny old world. Pray FX or somebody cool picks it up.

Stroller Dogs


Stroller Dogs
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
The new baby is due by Nov. 28th (my guess is the 21st) and although it's been fun getting baby gifts I haven't been all that excited about any of them until this thing came, a stroller/car seat/carrier combo that is just techy and cool enough to get a kick out of. An extravagant gift from two of my lovely sisters, this thing is kind of fascinating and seems to work pretty well, although I won't really know that until Sabrina is here with us to wheel around in it. The dogs liked it enough to not try to jump out, which is Oliver's answer to all unfamiliar and/or unpleasant experiences. Hope it doesn't kill him some day.

I hear that I'm going to come to appreciate the Diaper Genie immensely in the future, so maybe it will displace the stroller as my fave. We'll see about that.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Oh the Fun We'll Have


TO
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Mocking TO and the disaster that is his career. Did you catch the part of the TO/Rosenhaus interview where the reporter asked what Rosenhaus had done for TO other than get him suspended and TO got a big smile on his face about it? Not a good sign for the man who's ruining sports (Rosenhaus, not TO. Well, both).

Pic from a fun photoshop contest hosted at Gorilla Mask.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Saucy Naked Dog


Pinup Ollie
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
My wife doesn't like short hair cuts on the dog, but I do. You can tell what they actually look like, which is impossible when they have long puffy hair. Ollie's semirelaxed dogfro is especially deceptive as concerns his true body shape, and Fred's pompadour and beard do the same. Now they both look like shaved rats with pointy little faces. And I dig that.

Plus you get to see their spots, which you'd never guess Ollie has under that snowy white pelt. And they smell better, and are much easier to clean when they roll in excrement and give themselves poop necklaces, and less likely to track in mud.

A Tip for Prospective Fathers

Take my word for it: references to the 1995 film Species will not be appreciated, or even tolerated, by your pregnant wife.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Best Worst Thing to Watch Ever


trappedintheclosetbuttons
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Has got to be R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, part of which you can watch here. Check also rkellyscloset.com for more nuttiness, check the lower right for more episodes.

It's nothing short of hilarious. Kelly's either a comic genius or a deeply deluded wackypack. Loves it!

Buttons from Uncle Grambo. I want the second one.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I'd Pay for a Cruise like That

Disney or whoever does the Jack Sparrow Pirates of the Caribbean series (it is a series, isn't it?) needs to slap a theme ride into this environment:

A luxury cruise line will re-evaluate whether to offer future cruises off the coast of Somalia after pirates attempted to attack one of its ships early Saturday.

The pirates were in two small boats and carrying machine guns and a rocket-propelled grenade when they attempted the attack on Seabourn Cruise Lines' "Spirit" about 5:35 a.m. local time Saturday, Deborah Natansohn, president of the cruise line, told CNNRadio.

The ship was carrying 150 passengers and a crew of about 160.


How fun does that sound? Break out the shotguns we use to shoot clay pigeons off the stern and let's play King of the Boat! Seems like the captain and crew did a good job of handling the crisis:

The ship, she said, immediately instituted its emergency response system. "The occupants of those boats did not succeed in boarding the ship and eventually turned away ... our captain and crew did a terrific job taking responsive action."

Passenger Mike Rogers of Vancouver, Canada, said the pirates were shooting and sending rockets at the boat.

"The captain tried to run one of the boats over, but they were small boats, about 25 feet long," he told CNNRadio affiliate CKNW in Vancouver.

"Each one had four or five people on it, and (the captain) said he was going to do anything to keep them from getting on board."

The captain, however, did not hit the alarm button to alert passengers of the emergency, Rogers said.

"He announced it over the speakers, because he was scared people would run up on deck, and he didn't want people on deck because they would have been shot."


Good thinking. Via Ann Althouse.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

When the McNuggets Run Out


Miss McDonald
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
I'm not sure who this person is, but I get the impression she's not in America. If she were, I'm pretty sure she'd be sued to death. Ronnie don't play dat.

Love the picture, though. There's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Redemption

Yes Lance Armstrong's SNL performance was weak, as all this year's episodes have been. It's just not a funny show any more. But the skit where he performed a song for Cheryl Crow was funny enough to redeem the whole show. I can't find a link to it, but if you get a chance to see it, do so. You'll thank me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What Do You Mean, "Aunt Jemima?"

When I ask my wife advice and she doesn't want to give it, she often says, "Aintcha Mama." I invariably think she's saying "Aunt Jemima," then realize she means "I ain't yo mama." By which she means shut up and make your own decisions.

Aintcha Mama is exactly what I think when I read a story like this one, another in an unending series of San Francisco newspaper and magazine articles that decry the lack of a barrier on the Golden Gate Bridge that would make it harder to commit suicide by jumping from it. First of all, I defend anyone's right to kill themselves, and I'm not going to participate in efforts to stop people from doing so. There's not enough time or resources in the world to stop suicide, and anyone with spare time and/or resources should spend them in better ways.

Second, you've got to be one pathetic excuse for a suicidal maniac to be put off by a fence or other barrier. You don't even have to leave the house to kill yourself, and if you're willing to come all the way to the Golden Gate Bridge to end it all, have at it. You deserve a nice view for your efforts.

One of the proposed barrier's advocates relates this anecdote at the end of the story:

"I had someone come up to me as I was walking to some hearings and he said, 'They should put up a diving board so those people can jump off it.' I said, 'Now say to me, "They should put up a diving board so my son could jump off of it."'"


Literally the worst argument ever. If you feel differently about a social issue because it has affected you personally than you would if you hadn't, you're not a serious person and don't deserve a vote on said issue. The last thing we need in this world is for people to make decisions based on painful personal experiences, or the possibility thereof. Drunk driving is a bad thing whether or not someone I know has been killed by a drunk driver, and if it takes you having a relative die at the hands of a drunk driver to make that clear, you're a dangerous idiot. Don't breed.

Link from Rogers Cadenhead's Cruel.com.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween


Jack O'Lecter
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
We're preparing for our first trick or treaters ever, very exciting. I hear we don't get that many, so I should be fat as hell from the leftover candy. Zip plop frim fram.

Oops Pow Surprise

I remember a Yo-Yo demonstration when I was in school in the '70s, I must have been been 9 or 10. Duncan probably sent guys to schools all over the country to show us the kinds of tricks we'd be able to do if we just bought a bunch of yoyos and got to work practicing. The guy we saw that day at the assembly did the same kinds of tricks I saw before and since, probably the same tricks people did when the damn thing was invented. I figured the yoyo was fully explored as a source of entertainment.

Apparently not. This guy's like the Jordan of yoyoing. Still pretty boring, but as interesting as yoyoing gets.

From Double Viking.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Just Enough Spare Time


Eli Kramer
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
I'm entertained by Photoshop contests and am amazed at how many people are skilled at making excellent fake pictures. This is from a contest on a Redskins bulletin board, featuring a picture of a drunk Eli Manning, who I believe is better than his brother Peyton. Peyton's gonna have all the records at the end of his career, but Eli will have the rings. Go drunk boy!

This isn't even the best Eli pic, I like the Something About Mary one more.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Art for Techies

Dave at Garfield Ridge found a neat art tool the likes of which I've never seen. Cool video here.

This One's for You, Buckethead

Yoda break dancing, from an easter egg on the DVD.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Schadenfreude, I Wuv You

I must, or I wouldn't get such a kick out of this. People were hurt, one badly, and I still giggle at the pics. Sue me.

UPDATE: Forgot to mention that the link was from Jeff S. in Dallas.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Did You Ever Wonder


Jell-O San Francisco
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
What a Jello San Francisco would look like? Now you know.

From Boingboing.

Guilty Pleasure

I'm not much of a horror fan, and I find the show Scare Tactics not very interesting either. But this clip of a Peta supporter reacting to a tiny rat-man is frickin' hilarious.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Don't Be Hatin'

In a post about the strange relationship between grandstanding Texas asswipe Ronnie Earle and billionaire liberal loon George Soros, Instapundit gets snippy about Texas barbeque:

Texas home cookin' . . . and I don't mean that beef stuff they pass off as barbecue.


and later:

Real barbecue is pork (as reader David Ruddell writes: "If it ain't pork, it ain't barbecue. 'Nuff said."), but in a tomato-based sauce. Other approaches are amusing, and sometimes tasty, diversions, but they're not barbecue.


Having tried many varieties of BBQ in this country, I can say they're all pretty good. But chopped animal in sauce is just one version, and I do prefer slices of perfectly cooked animal to chopped animal any day. I enjoy all versions of BBQ sauce too, but slightly prefer mustard-based, like the Salt Lick in Austin serves.

And more than anything, chopped beef is just better than chopped pork. Take that, Tennessee boy.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

No Sh#t

I've heard a lot of people complaining about how crazy the world has become lately, how dangerous and chaotic. Those people always strike me as ignorant of history in the extreme, and overly sensitive to the defeatist tone of the mainstream media. Finally someone has bothered to make that case scientifically:

Widespread fears about a world in a perpetual state of war are unfounded, a study says today. It emphasises that the number of conflicts between nations, civil wars, battle deaths, coups and genocides has been falling steeply for more than a decade.

While the authors note that bloody wars continue in Iraq, Afghanistan and Congo, they argue that there are substantial grounds for optimism.

The first Human Security Report, written by academics led by Andrew Mack, of the University of British Columbia, cites popular notions that war is becoming more common and deadlier, that genocide is rising and that terrorism poses the greatest threat to humanity.

"Not one of these claims is based on reliable data," it says. "All are suspect; some are demonstrably false. Yet they are widely believed because they reinforce popular assumptions."

The authors say there are 40 per cent fewer armed conflicts than in the early 1990s. Between 1991 and last year 28 wars for self-determination began but 43 were ended or contained.

In 1992, when the Yugoslav wars of secession began, there were 51 state-based conflicts around the world. The figure dropped to 32 in 2002 and 29 in 2003. The arms trade declined by a third from 1990 to 2003 and the number of refugees fell by 45 per cent between 1992 and 2003.

In 1950 each conflict killed 38,000 people on average. By 2002 that had dropped to 600.


Every time I hear some whiny ninny moaning about what interesting times we live in, I think of 1942, and 1862, and any number of other times that make the current state of affairs seem like a game of Candyland. Quit your bitching, punks. It gets a lot worse.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

He Promises to Feel the News at You

I didn't catch the Colbert Report last night, but I like this. I don't watch the Daily Show any more, but I will watch Colbert, who was the best part of it.

Please God Make Them Make this Car

My little sister Patsy's car shopping, and she doesn't seem to be interested in a sports car (damn her demonic eyes) so much as a fancy new SUV. I told her it's OK to get one just like her boyfriend's as long as it's in a different color, but now that I've seen this awesome machine I won't be satisfied until she gets one. Link from Lileks.

I would also be satisfied to see her in either this or this. Do it Pats!

UPDATE: Welcome Garfield Ridge fans, what are you wearing?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Fractal Cabbage


Romanesco Cabbage
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Check out this crazy Romanesco cabbage site that Boingboing linked today. Nature is cool, isn't it? You can buy this at the supermarket. In Switzerland.

For Once, I Agree with a Group of People

That this is the most desirable woman on the planet. Good job, planet earth.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Seems Like Good News

I haven't been tracking Iraq much lately with moving and the baby getting close, but this seems encouraging:

The enemy struck a blow against us with the arrest of Abu al-Faraj, may God break his bonds. [...] Our situation since Abu al-Faraj is good by the grace of God, but many of the lines have been cut off. Because of this, we need a payment while new lines are being opened. So, if you're capable of sending a payment of approximately one hundred thousand, we'll be very grateful to you.


It's not going well for the bad guys. Link from Wizbang.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Wrong-o, Keebler

This is not the answer to what goes in the tiny front pocket on Levi's jeans (the article says coins or a watch). The answer is guitar picks. Everybody knows that.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

What the Internet is For


intro_bbillick_anyplace
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Finding Baltimore Ravens head coach Brian Billick's Match Game PM appearance, for one thing. From Gorilla Mask.

Best Baby Pictures Ever

I gotta get me some of that Photoshop before my baby comes. If I can't do this with her pictures, what's the point of having children?

UPDATE: Apparently the link (http://images.phun.org/phun/pics/news/funny_friday/8.jpg) doesn't work very often, and usually diverts to Phun.org's main page, which is full of dirty stuff. I'm not at all proud of being the guy who posts a link to a dirty humor site and then writes about his daughter to be, but the pics are indeed funny. As far as I can tell they originally came from this page at Crazymeanbaby.com, and there are a lot more using the same kid. More good ones here.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Sounds Like Fun

Chess and boxing, alternately:

Chess boxing is one of the newest and most unlikely hybrid sports, designed to test both brain and brawn. A typical match consists of up to 11 alternating rounds of boxing and "blitz" chess sessions.

Contestants start with a four-minute chess round, then it's into the ring for a two-minute bout of boxing. A minute's break to tend wounds and remove gloves and the sweaty competitors, towels around their necks, sit down at the chess board again.

The form of chess played is "blitz" chess. Competitors have a total of 12 minutes on the clock before the match is over.

"I was just curious," said Tobias Gries, a 30-year-old from Berlin who watched Saturday's championship. "It is one of most unusual combinations possible, so it was interesting to see how these totally contrasting games could be brought together."


I remember Norm MacDonald joking about an Olympic sport in which contestants would run 400 yards and then fish. This seems more ridiculous but way more fun to watch. From Pejman's new site.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Great News for Florida

I love the idea of pythons breeding in the Florida Keys and trying to eat alligators. If you've ever spent any time with a python, you know they're lovely companions, and the thought of large numbers of huge pythons in your back yard is nothing short of fantastic.

I once lived in a house with four large Burmese pythons, from 8 to more than 11 feet long, and they were loose almost all of the time, although we had a snake room we put them in when they were getting close to taking a dump (you feed a big constrictor infrequently and it's not difficult to predict when it will poop). After a few times finding a nasty snake doodoo on the carpet, you tend to try to keep that from happening as much as possible. My friend Randy in San Antonio used to keep an eye on his snakes when poop time was drawing near, looking for the characteristic cocking of the tail that indicated an imminent dump, and pick the snake up and milk the doody out over the toilet. I'm not sure that constitutes toilet training, but it's a lot less messy than the alternative.

But enough about poop: what I'm trying to say is that pythons are awesome pets and even better wild animals to have around your house. Our largest snake, Bambi, slept in one of our beds every night, and we all loved it. When my then-girlfriend first saw all 11 feet of Bambi, she first froze and then started shaking like a cartoon character. Within a month she would say things like "I'm going to take a nap. Where's Bambi?" and carry her off to bed so she could coil around her and sap some of the heat out of her. Bambi was the sweetest pet I could imagine, very sociable and invariably friendly. She figured out how to open doors by curling around the doorknob and got out one day when someone left a door unlocked, and after stopping traffic for a while was taken away to the San Antonio Zoo by Animal Control. She may outlive me for all I know.

All I'm saying is pythons are not dangerous to humans if you keep your eyes open and, if you come upon one, you move slowly away from them. Housepets may be another story, but in my opinion that's all worth it if you can walk out of your front door and run into a big python in a tree, or sunning itself on your lawn, or best of all, swimming in a lake or river. Watching a large python swim is absolutely fantastic.

We Should Be Happy They Notice at All, I Guess

Why do celebrities think they can get away with this kind of lame bullsh#t instead of just giving some goddamn money to hurricane relief efforts? I'm sure some of them do, but did you see the interviews with a bunch of the stars who did telethons right after Katrina? They all talked about doing fundraisers, or more telethons. None of them mentioned the fact that if they all pitched in 5% of their pretax 2005 income, New Orleans could be rebuilt 50 feet higher. Out of gold.

First link from Perez Hilton, your one-stop shop for wonderful awful celebrity gossip.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Wow

I did find the Ashley Smith story (where Smith was taken hostage by Brian Nichols after he shot some people in and Atlanta courthouse and later released her, supposedly because she read to him from a religious book called "A Purpose Driven Life") a little unbelievable, but I didn't expect this to be the truth of it.

Good catch, Rogers.

UPDATE: Discussing this with my wife reminded me that it struck me a little strange that Nichols carjacked Smith when she was going to the store for cigarettes at 3 in the morning, or something like that. Sounds like a crackhead thing to do, and apparently it was.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Hey Mencia, Get Your Own Mind

Came across an interesting item on What Would Tyler Durden Do about Joe Rogan's hate for Carlos Mencia, who he says is a joke thief. I can't think of anything worse for a standup to do, and it surprises me because I found Mencia's show pretty funny the couple of times I've seen it. As WWTDD points out, Joe REALLY hates Mencia:

The latest, and most disgusting joke thief off all is a guy named "Carlos Mencia." The REALLY crazy thing, is that's not even his real name.
He sells himself as being mexican, but the reality is his real name is Ned Holness, and he's actually half German and half Honduran.
The mexican hook is something he did to ingratiate himself with the local Mexican population of LA where he started.
Now, normally I wouldn't dedicate so much time to talk about a piece of shit like "ned" on my website, but this stupid motherf*cker talked sh#t about me on the radio, so it's open season for hacks.


Rogan also calls out Dennis Leary for the same thing:

One of the real problems, is that very few comedians stand up for what's right. They might talk about it privately, but very few step up and take a stand. I have before, especially on the subject of Dennis Leary stealing from one of my favorite comedians, the late, great Bill Hicks.
It's commonly known amongst stand ups that Dennis stole a big chunk of Bills act, but amongst the general population it's actually a surprise to a lot of people.
Why? Pretty much because no one that anyone would listen to on the subject stood up and said something about it publicly.
No one defended the integrity of this great art form. They just let a pretender and a hack steal ideas from a great mind. He pretty much got away with it too. He went on to have success in films, and unfortunately, Bill Hicks died of cancer before most people knew who he was or what he had to say.
It really killed me, because I started out a Dennis Leary fan. I remember watching him in Boston, laughing hysterically at his act, thinking it was all his. I was really impressed. For a few months, he was actually my favorite comedian. His jokes on Jim Fix dying while jogging, and how ironic it was that John Lennon was dead, but Barry Manilow continued to pump out albums made me howl.
Then, I saw Hicks, and I really got confused. He was doing the same material, almost word for word that Leary was doing.
I didn't get it. Something was wrong. I was only doing stand up for a few months at the time, so I asked some of the local pros, and they all had the same answer: "Leary is a thief."
I couldn't fucking believe it. How could this be? How could a guy stealing ideas be allowed to perform in these clubs?
The club owners just didn't seem to care. They turned a blind eye, and profited off their hired performer pilfering material from others.


I guess if you're going to steal material, Bill Hicks is the guy to rob, but to me it's that much more of a crime because Hicks was such a comedy God. F*ck Dennis Leary.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Now That's What I Call Music

Boingboing links today to a collection of Van Morrison songs from 1967 that are the product of a single recording session during which Morrison dashed off and performed 31 tunes to satisfy a contractual obligation to his record company, which he appears to hate. They're all about a minute long, and Morrison seems drunk in most of them, notably "Want a Danish," "Blow in Your Nose" and "Nose in Your Blow."

The songs consist of him strumming a few out-of-tune chords over and over again and free associating. Although a masterful singer, Morrison was (then, at least) an indifferent guitarist, and really he just kind of talks most of the time. But it's still fantastic listening. Here's my favorite, "Dum dum George," in which his delivery reminds me a lot of recently deceased standup comic Mitch Hedberg's:

This here's a story about dumb dumb George
came up to Boston one sunny afternoon
he drove up from New York City
and he was freaky
and he wanted to record me
and I said "George, you're dumb."
And he said, "I know. Why do you think I make so much money?
I want to do a record that will make number 1."
Dumb, dumb


Genius. Check it out.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

That's What I Call Politics

My brother-in-law Fringy from Houston sent this awesome interview of the Democratic Party by Fafnir of Fafblog and I love it:

FafBlog: I'm confused.
Harry Reid: The problem is troop levels, Fafnir. The US invaded without enough boots on the ground!
Joe Lieberman: Just another couple hundred thousand soldiers on the ground and hey, we should have this thing wrapped up in no time!
Joe Biden: Just like I told George Bush all along! I told him in the Oval Office, "You're gonna go in without enough troops and you're not gonna plan for the occupation and it's gonna be the biggest mistake of your presidency and I'm gonna vote for it!"
FB: Wow, that all seems so prescient.
Biden: And then Batman jumped in through the window and said "Senator, the Justice League needs you right away!" and I said "Shut up and move, rich boy, we've got a moon to save!"
Hillary Clinton: I have eaten the heart of a gorilla!


It's funny 'cause it's true.

Lost is a Terrible Show

Lost, the ABC show about that won last year's Best Drama Emmy, is seriously crappy. From the very beginning last year, no one on the show acted like a real person who had just survived a plane crash on a deserted island would act. They didn't build a shelter, or find a water source, or try to find food. They let one dickhead confiscate all the goodies from the plane and sell them to other castaways for exorbitant sums of useless money, and put all the water they could find in the wreck in one place and then didn't guard it. No one has a week's more facial hair than they did when they crashed more than a month ago, and the women still have makeup and hair people, apparently.

And that's just the logic issue. The dialogue is more stilted than anything Jean-Claude van Damme has ever done, and the characters are almost all dramatic bitches who still, after 40+ days on the island, act like 2-year-olds when they don't get what they want, which is usually to do something unbelievably stupid. The only likeable people there are the fat guy, the Iraqi, and the crazy knife-strapped dude who was paralyzed from the waist down until the crash and miraculously woke up with full motor control and the strength and stamina to run around saving people and hunting wild boars.

Last night was the second episode of the new season, and we're no closer to understanding why a weird British guy who the morose, overwrought jackass who's the island doctor met in a football stadium years ago has been living in a bomb shelter under the island for what appears to be years. They may drag this cliffhanger out for another three or four shows, but I'll never know, because I'm boycotting that crap.

Bad Journalism

From a guest poster at Ace of Spades, here's what happens when journalists aren't just lazy or careless, but they intentionally change the truth of the matter. Happens all the time, and usually we're none the wiser.

Good Journalism

Hubris shows us an example of good reporting. Example of bad reporting to follow.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Bound to Happen


Stuck on Stupid
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
I should have known the phrase "Let's not get stuck on stupid" would be illustrated. From Slublog, via the Llama Butchers.

God I Hate the F*cking New England Patriots

First the Tuck, now this. There's nothing that ruins sport more than favoritism for the champs. Michael Jordan got away with murder for most of his career because even refs are fans, and now we find that the Pats got 52 seconds they didn't deserve to win the game with a last-second field goal. What a goddamn travesty.

Sure, Randle-El shouldn't have lateralled to a not-looking Hines Ward. But it still sucks. I hope the whole team catches Ebola and then gets run over by a giant lawn mower.

My New Favorite Show

Is Extras, starring Ricky Gervais of UK Office fame. The first episode was hilarious partly because Gervais is one funny mofo and partly because so is Kate Winslet. Hearing her give phone sex advice in a nun's habit is utterly fantastic, especially when she mimics licking her own nipples. See it if you can.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Japan is Weird

Cruel.com has a link today to an awful story about a Japanese reality game show in which a man was locked up in an apartment without food or clothing and was forced to send in contest entries on postcards in order to win a certain value in prizes to be released. It took a year and three months and the contestant didn't eat unless he won food in a contest, at times resorting to dog food.

If I hadn't already encountered Japanese game shows before, I'd be horrified. But I've seen footage of a man being woken up by several other men dressed as soldiers who set off a flash-bang grenade next to his bed and then discharged entire magazines of M-16 blanks at him from less than a foot away (you could see where the muzzle blasts were burning holes in the bedding). He was sobbing uncontrollably when they cut away to the next scene, where a man at a dude ranch was lifted, bed and all, into a hallway so a rope tied to a horse could be cinched around his ankles. The horse was smacked on the rump and took off running, jerking the guy out of bed and into a muddy corral, where he was dragged for some time as onlookers cheered and laughed. He too was in a miserable state when the host interviewed him.

I should say I loved every minute of it and wished there were shows like that in the US, and that I love Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (except for the music). Now that Jackass has inspired a generation of numbskulls to torture themselves for our pleasure, I guess we don't need to torture innocent people.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Chewy Cops a Feel


Star Freaks
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
I can't be the only one who wonders what happened next, and what it looked like. I will refrain from any references to '70s bikini area maintenance.

From here, via Boingboing.

Joe Rogan is Deep

On Jim Breuer's Sirius Radio show, Fear Factor host Joe Rogan expounds on a number of subjects I didn't expect him to have an interest in. Funny stuff. Here he is talking about how high he is for most of the Fear Factor tapings.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Actors: The Real Heroes

When What Would Tyler Durden Do? isn't posting pics of inadvertently naked celebrities, they're analyzing pop culture. Today they recognize Michael Douglas for his recent heroism at the UN:

One time, Michael Douglas said words someone wrote for him in a make-believe office in front of a pretend judge in a movie about the President, and he looks a little like Martin Sheen - who has also pretended to be the President - so I think its time we began to listen as they talk about stuff they heard about at a coke party in Malibu. I would have thought that would be obvious, but I guess not. I mean, he rang the peace bell three times, people. Three is a lot, but even still, not all of you are doing peace yet. Does he have to ring it four times. Or five. Its amazing he even had the strength left to make snide and ill-informed remarks about the United States. Screw you fireman and scientists, that guy is the real hero.


Yea, brother.

Fun and Funny

Ann Althouse has come across an interesting movie quiz in which you identify the film from a still that has the actors removed but not their clothing. Spooky . . .

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Did You Know . . .

There's a wacky online sports satire magazine? It's like the Onion had a baby with Sports Illustrated Online. Or something. They've got a funny piece on there about what life without Randy Moss is like for the Vikings:

“I can’t tell you how much different it is around here,” said quarterback Daunte Culpepper. “It’s like a big weight has been lifted from our shoulders ever since Randy left. When he was hear everyone was walking on eggshells. Now we’re just loose and having fun. That game against the Bengals was a blast, man. I'm just having a lot of fun playing the game right now.”

The Vikings have lost their first two games, turning the ball over 12 times in the process. Daunte Culpepper has looked lost, and their new, expensive defense has been a failure. Still, it’s all fun and games in the Vikings clubhouse.

“I never knew it what it felt like to be on a team with good chemistry, a team of guys that really pulls for each other,” said running back Michael Bennett. “I know our offense is terrible right now, and our defense is completely ineffective, but we're not going to worry. If this was last year there would be a lot of tension and finger-pointing. I'm glad that's over, because some of those fingers would probably be pointing at me.”


It's funny because it's true, as Dave at Garfield Ridge wrote when he posted about this earlier today.

Coolest Blog Series Ever

If there's anything I like to read about more than oddball WWII weapons, please tell me what it is and send me some. Something Awful has a great series of articles about wacky weapons (mostly German, of course) here, which include bits on the V3 system, a vertical takeoff/landing interceptor, Nazi night vision, a Tiger tank that shot a 380 mm mortar round, and many more interesting things. I'm as happy as a little girl and I hope dude never stops writing about this stuff.

Link from Peeve Farm.

What Went Right?

Brian at Peeve Farm wants to know how the media will handle the Katrina story, now that the body count in New Orleans is smaller than expected and Mardi Gras is on schedule:

The MSM seems to have internalized some kind of admonishment, gnawing at them like a brain mite, that reporting good news is tantamount to propaganda—that if they were to focus on the positive aspects of a given news story and not the negative, even to just give the positive more prominence than the negative rather than to actually obscure or omit troubling details, means you're filling the shoes of Baghdad Bob. They feel that their role isn't to reassure people, but to remind them of the bleakness of reality. The idea presumably being that reassuring people means lulling them into a false sense of security, convincing themselves that things are going okay, and that change—that big shining concept in the sky, that cornerstone of platitudes from Sesame Street to Market Street—isn't necessary. And that wouldn't do. Change is good, we're taught to repeat until we're incapable of sympathizing with any status quo except the ones that say change is good.

In trying to keep myself focused on the apolitical parts of Katrina, I find myself wondering: would I be doing the same thing if I detested the people in charge? Wouldn't I be looking for an excuse to blame a President I disliked, even if the means by which to pin the aftermath of a horrific natural disaster upon him were ghostly at best? Would I be cheering the MSM's ghoulish coverage, CNN's claiming the right to film bloated bodies, Cindy Sheehan's indirect coining of the term "Occupied New Orleans"? (emphasis Brian's)


In Iraq, the press hangs around the hotel and runs whatever story everyone else is running. During and after Katrina, they hung around the Superdome and a couple of other places in New Orleans. There's nothing special about reporters, they're not experts in anything but being on television. Why do we look to them for information about the world?

Catchphrase for the 21st Century

"Don't get stuck on stupid, reporters." - Lt. General Russell Honore, the guy who's running the New Orleans cleanup. Ace has the best set of links on this here.

If there's one thing I absolutely love, it's when an interviewee turns on a reporter who's asked a dumb question and unleashes the Kraken on him or her. Read it and giggle:

Male reporter: General Honore, we were told that Berman Stadium on the west bank would be another staging area...

Honore: Not to my knowledge. Again, the current place, I just told you one time, is the convention center. Once we complete the plan with the mayor, and is approved by the governor, then we'll start that in the next 12-24 hours. And we understand that there's a problem in getting communications out. That's where we need your help. But let's not confuse the questions with the answers. Buses at the convention center will move our citizens, for whom we have sworn that we will support and defend...and we'll move them on. Let's not get stuck on the last storm. You're asking last storm questions for people who are concerned about the future storm. Don't get stuck on stupid, reporters. We are moving forward. And don't confuse the people please. You are part of the public message. So help us get the message straight. And if you don't understand, maybe you'll confuse it to the people. That's why we like follow-up questions. But right now, it's the convention center, and move on.

Male reporter: General, a little bit more about why that's happening this time, though, and did not have that last time...

Honore: You are stuck on stupid. I'm not going to answer that question. We are going to deal with Rita. This is public information that people are depending on the government to put out. This is the way we've got to do it. So please. I apologize to you, but let's talk about the future. Rita is happening. And right now, we need to get good, clean information out to the people that they can use. And we can have a conversation on the side about the past, in a couple of months.


This now replaces my old favorite from Jim Mora Sr. when he was the head coach of the New Orleans Saints (quelle coincidence, hmm? Maybe the city just brings it out of people), who let a locker room ninny have it thusly (I'm paraphrasing the first sentence, but I think it's correct):

"You don't know what we do to prepare for these games. You think you know, but you don't know and you never will."

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

What You Should Be Buying Me

For my birthday. Simply the "greatest Racing Car of all time," the Porsche 917, in Martini Racing colors here. Its storied racing history can be found here and here.

What a devil car. It's perfect for me, right honey?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Highly Anticipated

The fourth annual Austin City Limits Festival is coming this weekend, and I'm very excited. Mostly because my wife no longer works for the people who run it, and the tension level around here is going to be nonexistent, instead of pegging a month before and lasting until months after, like the last two years. Sadly the wife is probably too pregnant to attend, so she won't know for at least a year what a blast it is to be there when you're not working. Next year, perhaps.

I'm mostly jazzed about Saturday, when Jet and Oasis are playing. Not a huge fan of Oasis, but ever since I saw them do a great show after many days of doing heroic amounts of blow on a tour bus, I've had a healthy respect for their professionalism, ironically enough. And they have some catchy tunes, too.

I sure hope I don't get ACL Lung/Sinus Syndrome again. That was a long-lasting bitch last year. Hopefully the Austin Parks and Rec people won't cover Zilker Park with Amdro the day before the festival starts like they did last year.

I Would Have Guessed Higher

According to the Gay-o-Meter, I'm just 26% gay. I can't tell whether or not some of my answers cancelled each other out, like for example: I'm willing to shave my head, but I rarely get a haircut before people start laughing at me. I guess I'll never know.

From Gorilla Mask.