Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I Did Not Know That

This seems like kind of a big story. I'm not much of a newshound these days, but I would have expected to hear about it. What's the point of not going national with this story? Other than not being able to blame Katrina on Bush.

The Blessing and Curse That is Nature

I'm very grateful for everyone who carries and uses their video cameras, because if not for them we'd never get footage of complete and utter madness like this (tornado sprouting in the middle of a soccer game) and this (guy saved from certain death by a tree).

Both from Gorilla Mask.

Oprah: Whaaat, is the deeeal, with her?

What's up with the vomity voice death metal thing you hear way too much of these days? Shay J. says this is the best vomity voice death metal song ever, and he should know. You're going to have to wait for a while to get to the vomity part, but it's pretty hilarious so crank it loud wherever you are (I'm talking to you, Cap'n Creamsicle).

There are literally hundreds of bands whose singers do this throat-shredding guttural growl, the adult version of "Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance." How did it start? Who was the pioneer of vomity voice? Did a lead singer in a death metal band say "Hey guys, I'm going to try something new, tell me what you think." And no one laughed?

One of the benefits of vomity voice is that you can't understand the lyrics at all, which prevents mom and dad from hearing the nauseatingly demonic things that perfect strangers are whispering in the ears of their children. I imagine there's a lot of death and gloom, and probably a fair amount of satanism. Shay says the language of such people should be called metalibonics.

Maybe there's a metal dictionary out there that's not about actual metals, but I can't find it.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Baby Time

I've been slacking on this blog forever, but it's about to get worse soon. Little baby Sabrina was due yesterday, and we're going to induce next week if she doesn't pop out of her own accord soon. Then I'll be doing a lot of baby-related stuff, kind of like I'm doing now but with dirty diapers. This blog will likely become baby-related to a nauseating degree, so get ready bitches.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

What You're Up Against if You Break In

Jaws of Death
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Look upon the horror that is Fred's savage bite and shiver in horror. Fred's all of 10 pounds, but I'm convinced he'd die trying to defend us if something awful happened here, whereas Oliver would hide and then beg to go home with our killers because they smelled like Cheetos.

He sure does have nice teeth, though. Oliver's had his teeth cleaned once already and he's a year younger, but Fred loves those rawhide sticks. Ollie can't be bothered with all that chewing for such a small payoff. No wonder his mouth smells like an open grave sometimes.

Champions Forever

Did you know there was a poll to determine what the greatest blog post ever to date is? The results can be found here. The winner is an obvious one, Little Green Football's throbbing memo of death, and second and third place are appropriately ranked as well although (or because) both are comedy. Second is the fantastic Whoreblogging by Ace of Spades, which contains this unbeatably kick-ass sentence: "This was more like a facefull of searing liquid holocaust."

I voted for number three (#3 in the rankings) because it's genius and I've posted it here before under the heading "Greatest Blog Post Ever," as did many other bloggers. Too bad DW disappeared not long after, but if you haven't seen it before, check out their archives.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Maybe the Most Awesome Thing Ever Made

And they're only 20K pounds plus tax. Buy one for the love of God.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

So You Don't Have To

Don't you love it when people test conventional wisdom? I've always wondered about this particular question, and some dude took the trouble to find out. Thanks, nameless dude!


Isn't this sort of thing against the law, no matter how funny? And it is funny.

Here's another interesting post from Dave at Garfield Ridge. He's a good kid, that Dave. I don't find his sexual hunger for Powers Boothe at all frightening. This haiku, on the other hand, is terrifying.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wacky Song Generator

Go here and type in something you'd like to hear sung back at you by as many different popular music artists as the number of syllables you type. Kind of weird and amusing, especially if you type something dirty.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Love, Exciting and New

I've never felt this way about a woman. Thank God.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Now That's What I Call Art

If all Livio De Marchi did was carve perfect replica cars out of wood, like this Ferrari F50 he's driving in the canals of Venice, he'd be an amazing guy, a weirdo genius of the first order. But he makes perfect replica cars (and a perfect replica of a coach and four horses, among other wonders) that not only run but also take to the water like perfect amphibians. He also makes amazing wooden sculptures of non-automotive objects that are just as fascinating. Take a look.

There's Something You Don't See Every Day

This sentence, from a comment on a post over at Rogers Cadenhead's Workbench:

It was quite a jump from bestiality to the Packers.

Which led me to post this poll on my NFL pool message board:

In the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" sense, how many steps are there between bestiality and the Packers?

Zero. Packer fandom and bestiality are one and the same.

Three: Farm animals provide milk, milk is made into cheese, Packer fans eat, wear and have sex with the cheese. Not real bestiality but close enough

Four: Young, lonely midwestern kids learn to love the livestock, the livestock learn to live with the undignified and unsatisfying nature of human/animal sex, they produce certain enzymes that contribute to the particularly delightful flavor of Tillamook Cheddar, Packer fans eat said Tillamook and feel a certain attraction to the family dog

Six: Ray Nitschke was in "The Longest Yard" with Burt Reynolds; Reynolds starred in "Starting Over" with Kevin Bacon; Bacon was in "The River Wild" with Meryl Streep; Streep made an episode of "The Simpsons" with Harry Shearer; Shearer starred in "Spinal Tap" with Christopher Guest; and Guest was featured in "The Princess Bride" with that pigf#cker Chris Sarandon

The Unnatural Natural

I check out Double Viking for a couple of reasons: the desire to see people hurt themselves in videotaped accidents both intentional and unintentional and the desire to read about interesting new tech stuff. What I don't visit it for is long, fascinating feature articles about mysterious homeless men who happen to be really good at senior softball:

Like all but two of his teeth, Meeden's youth was long gone. His 64-year-old face showed the lines and leathering effects of age and hunger and hard times. Still, his eyes retained a gleam, just a glimmer, of boyishness. This became even truer as his teammates hollered their hellos. Meeden smiled and waved, and for a second he could've been that straggly kid who always shows up last for Little League.

I'd been warned that Meeden was shy. He won't talk to you, everyone said. But now he sat down next to me in the stands, so close that our knees nearly touched. I didn't know if he was being friendly or if he simply didn't see me. He began tugging an elastic brace onto his leg, fastening it around his thigh. Someone asked how the hamstring was feeling. Meeden had strained it during a recent game. He mumbled an inaudible answer while rubbing the hamstring and staring at some indistinct point in space.

I introduced myself and Meeden stopped fussing with his leg long enough to look at me. I told him I was hoping for a chance to speak with him later, privately, that I wanted to write a story about him.

His eyes widened.

Then he just giggled and trotted onto the field.

Well worth the time. Check it oot.

Tee Hee

Remember this? A reminder:

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- Hollywood star Johnny Depp said on Wednesday the United States was a stupid, aggressive puppy and he would not live there until the political climate changed.

The 40-year-old actor, who stars in the "Pirates of the Caribbean," told the German news magazine Stern he was happier staying in the south of France with his wife, the French actress and singer Vanessa Paradis, and their two children.

"America is dumb, it's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive," he said.

"My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out," said the star of the off-beat films "Edward Scissorhands" and "Dead Man."

I guess that's all over now:

Hollywood star JOHNNY DEPP is so shocked by the riots raging through France, he's considering abandoning his home in the country.

The FINDING NEVERLAND heart-throb moved to Europe when life in Los Angeles became too violent.

He has since divided time between the two continents - but he fears France will be scarred permanently by the current troubles.

He says, "It's insane, that setting cars on fire is the new strike.

"I went there (to France) to live because it seemed so simple.

"Now it's anything but. I don't know how they'll recover from this."

If only I were mature enough to not get a kick out of this. Where to now, Johnny? I hear Africa's fun.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

As Do All Right-Thinking People

God Hates Shrimp, as well he should:

Leviticus 11:9-12 says:
9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

Plus they're underwater insects that eat all the poop the ocean can provide. Disgusting.

How Quickly We Forget

The tired, thoroughly debunked liberal fantasy that W lied us into war with Iraq is so dumb, so patently false and illogical, that only the truly brainwashed are still able to utter it with straight faces. That does not, of course, prevent the entire Democratic party from blathering on about it. I've long since tired of rebutting this inane bullsh*t, but here's a quick primer on the reality of the situation.

Link from Wizbang.

UPDATE: An excellent example of the concept here at the Political Teen. Good to know Tim Russert's not as hypnotized by the left as he often appears.

The Devil's Porkchop

Demonbaby doesn't post much, but when he does it's generally worth checking out. An old post of his, a Myspace stupid haircut hall of fame/Marvel character comparison, is especially good. Look ye and tremble.

My father used to say "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop," or "Devil's porkchop" when he was feeling sassy. When I see people with extravagantly stupid hair, I see what he means.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

You Sexy Thing

Marguerite Perrin
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Damn this woman is nutty. But she makes for a pretty good sample song. Dig them awesome '70s Radio Shack synth and rhythm sounds.

Song from this post at Stereogum.


Fox cancelled Arrested Development, the best show on TV, last week. So sign this petition now in the forlorn hope it will change anything. Dammit.

A 20th Century Fox spokesman said: "There was a very loyal and passionate audience that unfortunately never did grow."

How do Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens get viewers and AD doesn't? It's a funny old world. Pray FX or somebody cool picks it up.

Stroller Dogs

Stroller Dogs
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
The new baby is due by Nov. 28th (my guess is the 21st) and although it's been fun getting baby gifts I haven't been all that excited about any of them until this thing came, a stroller/car seat/carrier combo that is just techy and cool enough to get a kick out of. An extravagant gift from two of my lovely sisters, this thing is kind of fascinating and seems to work pretty well, although I won't really know that until Sabrina is here with us to wheel around in it. The dogs liked it enough to not try to jump out, which is Oliver's answer to all unfamiliar and/or unpleasant experiences. Hope it doesn't kill him some day.

I hear that I'm going to come to appreciate the Diaper Genie immensely in the future, so maybe it will displace the stroller as my fave. We'll see about that.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Oh the Fun We'll Have

Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Mocking TO and the disaster that is his career. Did you catch the part of the TO/Rosenhaus interview where the reporter asked what Rosenhaus had done for TO other than get him suspended and TO got a big smile on his face about it? Not a good sign for the man who's ruining sports (Rosenhaus, not TO. Well, both).

Pic from a fun photoshop contest hosted at Gorilla Mask.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Saucy Naked Dog

Pinup Ollie
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
My wife doesn't like short hair cuts on the dog, but I do. You can tell what they actually look like, which is impossible when they have long puffy hair. Ollie's semirelaxed dogfro is especially deceptive as concerns his true body shape, and Fred's pompadour and beard do the same. Now they both look like shaved rats with pointy little faces. And I dig that.

Plus you get to see their spots, which you'd never guess Ollie has under that snowy white pelt. And they smell better, and are much easier to clean when they roll in excrement and give themselves poop necklaces, and less likely to track in mud.

A Tip for Prospective Fathers

Take my word for it: references to the 1995 film Species will not be appreciated, or even tolerated, by your pregnant wife.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Best Worst Thing to Watch Ever

Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
Has got to be R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, part of which you can watch here. Check also for more nuttiness, check the lower right for more episodes.

It's nothing short of hilarious. Kelly's either a comic genius or a deeply deluded wackypack. Loves it!

Buttons from Uncle Grambo. I want the second one.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I'd Pay for a Cruise like That

Disney or whoever does the Jack Sparrow Pirates of the Caribbean series (it is a series, isn't it?) needs to slap a theme ride into this environment:

A luxury cruise line will re-evaluate whether to offer future cruises off the coast of Somalia after pirates attempted to attack one of its ships early Saturday.

The pirates were in two small boats and carrying machine guns and a rocket-propelled grenade when they attempted the attack on Seabourn Cruise Lines' "Spirit" about 5:35 a.m. local time Saturday, Deborah Natansohn, president of the cruise line, told CNNRadio.

The ship was carrying 150 passengers and a crew of about 160.

How fun does that sound? Break out the shotguns we use to shoot clay pigeons off the stern and let's play King of the Boat! Seems like the captain and crew did a good job of handling the crisis:

The ship, she said, immediately instituted its emergency response system. "The occupants of those boats did not succeed in boarding the ship and eventually turned away ... our captain and crew did a terrific job taking responsive action."

Passenger Mike Rogers of Vancouver, Canada, said the pirates were shooting and sending rockets at the boat.

"The captain tried to run one of the boats over, but they were small boats, about 25 feet long," he told CNNRadio affiliate CKNW in Vancouver.

"Each one had four or five people on it, and (the captain) said he was going to do anything to keep them from getting on board."

The captain, however, did not hit the alarm button to alert passengers of the emergency, Rogers said.

"He announced it over the speakers, because he was scared people would run up on deck, and he didn't want people on deck because they would have been shot."

Good thinking. Via Ann Althouse.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

When the McNuggets Run Out

Miss McDonald
Originally uploaded by Uncle Mikey.
I'm not sure who this person is, but I get the impression she's not in America. If she were, I'm pretty sure she'd be sued to death. Ronnie don't play dat.

Love the picture, though. There's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005


Yes Lance Armstrong's SNL performance was weak, as all this year's episodes have been. It's just not a funny show any more. But the skit where he performed a song for Cheryl Crow was funny enough to redeem the whole show. I can't find a link to it, but if you get a chance to see it, do so. You'll thank me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What Do You Mean, "Aunt Jemima?"

When I ask my wife advice and she doesn't want to give it, she often says, "Aintcha Mama." I invariably think she's saying "Aunt Jemima," then realize she means "I ain't yo mama." By which she means shut up and make your own decisions.

Aintcha Mama is exactly what I think when I read a story like this one, another in an unending series of San Francisco newspaper and magazine articles that decry the lack of a barrier on the Golden Gate Bridge that would make it harder to commit suicide by jumping from it. First of all, I defend anyone's right to kill themselves, and I'm not going to participate in efforts to stop people from doing so. There's not enough time or resources in the world to stop suicide, and anyone with spare time and/or resources should spend them in better ways.

Second, you've got to be one pathetic excuse for a suicidal maniac to be put off by a fence or other barrier. You don't even have to leave the house to kill yourself, and if you're willing to come all the way to the Golden Gate Bridge to end it all, have at it. You deserve a nice view for your efforts.

One of the proposed barrier's advocates relates this anecdote at the end of the story:

"I had someone come up to me as I was walking to some hearings and he said, 'They should put up a diving board so those people can jump off it.' I said, 'Now say to me, "They should put up a diving board so my son could jump off of it."'"

Literally the worst argument ever. If you feel differently about a social issue because it has affected you personally than you would if you hadn't, you're not a serious person and don't deserve a vote on said issue. The last thing we need in this world is for people to make decisions based on painful personal experiences, or the possibility thereof. Drunk driving is a bad thing whether or not someone I know has been killed by a drunk driver, and if it takes you having a relative die at the hands of a drunk driver to make that clear, you're a dangerous idiot. Don't breed.

Link from Rogers Cadenhead's