Best American Idol Ever

Not for the singing, which was barely tolerable. But Simon Cowell reminded me why I like him so much.

After years of being the only judge with a brain in his head, and weeks of taking petty abuse from Sprinkles (that's what they call Ryan Seacrest at Television Without Pity) with a smile, the abuse of a sad, little man with nothing to recommend him but an increasingly unpretty face, Cowell struck back. After a particularly stupid assault on his wardrobe, Simon, who has endured every bitchy remark of the last month or so with what seems to be genuine good-natured amusement, tells Seaturd he dresses like someone from Desperate Housewives. Then he says "Lose the beard" while rubbing his chin.

Seacrest did indeed have an ugly stubble on his tanorexic cheeks, but really Simon's outing him on national television and ripping on his beard, or fake girlfriend (in case there is anyone out there who doesn't know what a beard is - I didn't know until like ten years ago). To his credit, Seacrest recovered nicely. I still hope he falls down an open manhole and dies*. Actually, I'd prefer it if a manhole cover fell on him from a great height, but I bet those things are hard to aim from a great height, so Ryan, let's go with the manhole itself. Capisce?

* From the Mel Brooks quote: "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole and die." So true.

UPDATE: Jeez, I can't believe I forgot Seacrest asking if the judges had a flask a their table. Paula was suitably unhappy about that. Why take your issues with Simon out on the only woman around? Insert grossly offensive gay reference here.