Writing Unkind Things about People I Don't Know

It strikes me that a better headline for this story might be "Man Wakes Up, Realizes Height of Music Career is Working with John Tesh and Celine Dion, Kill Self," but frankly depression is a very serious thing and lots of people love John Tesh and Celine Dion and they're entitled to that. But still, I wish I were in charge of headlines for all major newspapers. And it would be great if there were a position available for changing movie titles so they'll sound like porn or gay porn movie titles, which comes quite naturally to me. If you doubt my skill, leave a movie title in the comments and I'll change it for you.